WHAT IF....Your Own Thoughts Were a Drug Addiction?

What If...
Your Own Thoughts Were a Drug Addiction?
By Tiffany Walker

What if all the negative thoughts instilled in you as a child, the "you're not good enough," "you're not pretty enough," "you're not smart enough"--ALL the "enough" phrases there could possibly be, which then have other phrases that tag on--what if all those phrases are really like drugs to the broken person.  A silent drug.  An eight ball of hurt to yourself.  

A drug addiction that is unstoppable on certain levels because your brain decides to "Chase the Dragon" automatically at the whim of being given a compliment, or the onset of a career challenge, or a person yelling at you.  Your mind whispers to you thoughts of your inadequacies over and over again.  You can attempt to thwart the addiction by religion, or spirituality, or self-help books and affirmations, or therapists, but the mind has a mind of its own.

In fact, what is the intervention of the mind?  The mind can't be removed like someone on drugs could have the drug source removed.  I guess you could go on some sort of drug to alter the way the mind is ticking along, but when you are talking about one's own value of themselves, not a manic-depression or classic depression situation, is there really a drug for that?  What really is the cure for someone not liking themselves and enabling them to not believe what was so embedded in them in their childhood? 

Are there words or some something that can bridge the mind's gap of love for itself?  Will this kind of addiction be the death of you?  

The Legend of Yourself.

Sometimes you get to a point where you feel like you really have nothing important to say.  Words exist like Play-Doh, squeezed into blobs of thoughts and emotions, but nothing concrete.

I can hear my thoughts in my head and then the second thoughts come in to say they've already been thought, so why bother?  Kind of annoying to think your own mind is bored with you.  Or, I am thinking my mind is bored with the fact nothing ever gets solved.  Issues that are percolating in my brain are pretty much the same ones I've had for 10 years.   Love, Friends, Career....all are as Rubik's Cubed as when I left college.  Even more so since I thought things would start to make sense after a certain age.  I was mistaken.

Life seems to be Highschool on repeat, where doubts about yourself and your friends and your choices are still in full force.  You run into the same types of people again and again hoping you can better yourself from the last time you dealt with them when you were younger.  

Or rather, life is some never-ending Legend of Zelda game where you go back in and try another option in order to save Zelda...otherwise known as Yourself.  And although I've used all of the options already once through the whole "game," I go back in and play again, re-using the options differently, with wisdom from the last time around, hoping a new outcome will lead me to me.  Authenticity of heart and mind should never just be left in a riddle of bullshit.   

Play the game again and again.   Find the Legend of Yourself.  No one else is gonna do it.

THE STRONG WOMAN'S CURSE

By Tiffany Walker

I look at who I am and I realize I have always been known as someone you can depend on. Always. I am the highly organized sort, one who pays attention to detail, remembers random facts, numbers and conversations, and can finish people’s sentences just by feeling what they are talking about and knowing their vocabulary choices. I also intuitively sense when something is off in a situation, and will try to fill the gap to enable things to run smoothly. As much as I am a highly functioning and helpful individual, there is a huge downside to being that kind of person. I rarely experience that same kind of dependability from others and am oftentimes left hanging. My girlfriends of similar ilk would agree, and would go so far as to say our kind are not extended the same kind of concern, care and consideration since it’s assumed by others we are in no need of any help. The sad part is that it really is a faux aura of strength, responsibility and “non-neediness,” because we all could use a gesture of support, a helping hand. This “aura” that accompanies the highly functioning persona (and it is a persona) is a curse. A Strong Woman’s Curse. It follows us through all our endeavors - even to the workplace where, “the squeaky wheel gets the oil.” When I bartended I would call it the Money Sparkle. A term I coined for those girls who guys throw down the bigger tip for, even if their drink was made wrong…even if they didn’t order a drink at all. In personal relationships, it is when your partner lets you do all the planning. Or, it can even be seen in that simple night out at a bar when the girl next to you gets a drink bought for her.

Yes, I think all of us have been the one who didn’t “get the drink.” It probably kind of irked you a little (not that you would ever openly admit to that). Sure, you could rationalize the situation in your head and come to the conclusion that the girl may be a little prettier than you, or that maybe she really is the guy’s type and all is well, no skin off your back. Life is like that: “You win some, you lose some.” I too get my own niceties bestowed upon me from time to time, and I definitely am one to look at the bigger picture when these incidents happen for others. Some are just what they are: a cocktail being bought for a girl across the bar. I’m really not a bitter bitch, raging with jealousy over nice things happening for other women. But I am a people watcher, always observing, objectively taking note. And as time passes, there are patterns that present themselves in the way of such helpful gestures. You can see when there are similar issues occurring various women’s lives and who gets the help, care and concern…and who is left to fend for themselves.

Simple drinks aside, a true quandary exists: There are women out there that by happenstance exude this energy, or aura, or something, that makes people feel like they want to help even if it is within split seconds of meeting them. While you exude an aura of what exactly? Is it written on my forehead that I am so responsible and capable…so together…so indefatigable that I don’t need a nice gesture? Yes, people will be drawn to whom they are drawn, but when you are on the reverse end and you can see the attentiveness given to these unknowing girls, who take for granted this alluring aura that brings considerate good will to them, it becomes a bit nerve-racking.

For me, I try so hard in my life to do the right thing, be helpful to others, and stay focused on the proverbial “carrot” that is my life’s passion, that it irks me to think that somehow my drive has translated into others thinking I don’t need a friendly hand as much as the other girl--the girl that usually has her head in the clouds and is never aware of those around her. That is probably where I do feel this sadness, a jealousy, a hurt. So much so that I am intrigued by how I got this kind of aura of capability. How is it that the drive and tenacity I muster to get through the day can sometimes cause me to be grossly misconstrued as someone that is in no need of a little care and consideration? And how do I undo it, or understand it and just be at peace with something that I may not be able to readjust? I suppose I could just call myself a Type A personality to inadvertently neatly categorize myself away from further scrutiny. However, despite the bit of acute awareness and order I try to maintain, there is no cutthroat aggression to warrant being called a Type A. And let’s be honest, settling on a neat label is a cop out; a way to avoid evolving into a new and higher level of self. I put this faux persona of strength on at some point in my life and I think that finding where I initiated that “strength” is the only way to find peace with it all. Maybe finding wisdom within my past will allow me to come into an aura that is more present.

The Runt Factor is what I will call that initiating moment. My divorced mother, despite the stigmas surrounding therapy, was adamant about my brother and I getting one-on-one therapy, as well as family counseling to keep us all …in the family. To be honest, I’m not sure if it brought us together or left us to feel more confused about ourselves and worsen our connection. My brother was already in his teenage years and veering the course of stability through drugs and truancy. Subsequently, the majority of my mother’s focus, time and energy were spent on him. I, a few years younger, was kind of this afterthought. In my protests of all the attention my brother received, I was given an analogy in therapy that would alter my behavior for a lifetime. I can only sum it up as the Runt Factor, a concept that worked for me as a child, but as I have grown older and looked back to that session, I now question the use of the analogy at all. The therapist talked to me in that low mother tone as if death or love were being explained. “You know when you have a litter of puppies?” she says. “Well, you know how there is sometimes a puppy that is smaller than the rest, the runt of the litter?” I, mesmerized by her voice and how this puppy story was to unfold, nodded with each line said to me. “Well, you know how extra care has to be given to the puppy, special feeding and holding, or the puppy will die....? Well, that is kind of what your brother is, the runt of the litter. He is the runt of the litter and needs a little more attention.”

I remember thinking it completely made sense to my10 year-old mind, and I felt this softening towards my brother, a sympathy of sorts. I also remember starting to feel like I finally had one up on him, that I was better than him since if he was the runt that would make me the bigger dog. Come to think of it, I am wondering if that moment is the moment: Ego came into play and somehow I made the survival connection that I must be of strength to stay ahead of the game and not be forgotten and left behind. So, I took the Runt Factor to heart and put on this “costume” of strength and ran with it, not knowing I was exuding only the concept of strength and not true strength in which you have solidarity of heart and a belief in yourself. I’ve run “strong” for so long, taking it upon myself to be everyone’s Girl Friday and getting the job done no matter what it takes that I forget that my strength is a borrowed “costume” that doesn’t fit very well. I find myself tripped up when I hit those moments where I feel scared and unsure if I can accomplish the task at hand, or good enough to deserve a relationship where I don’t do all the work, or even expect someone to think of me if I am out of sight, out of mind. At one point it dawned on me that maybe my brother wasn’t the runt--I was. Or, we were both runts but of different breeds. And the therapist, who thought she was so clever in telling me such a story, forgot to focus on just making me feel like a priority in the ways that my mother could not, and instilling in me a sense of self-worth beyond the comparison to my brother.

And there you have it: an aura is born, a whole false person, really. I look around to my fellow cohorts who share this aura of faux strength with me, and they, for the most part, have similar pasts of falling into a position of responsibility and strength to survive. So how do we modify our energy to lessen not only this need to be the responsible one, but also what our aura projects to others before we even speak? How do we lift the curse from ourselves? Remain strong of course, but soft and sweet in the eye?

I’m not actually sure one can magically disintegrate such a well-established persona and aura. These things clearly served us efficiently for a long time. Acknowledging that you have put an unwarranted pressure on yourself to always be the responsible, strong one, and tortured your soul along the way might be just the driving force you need to evolve into a more peaceful, truer you. A you who invites that proverbial “drink” to come a little more easily. The trick is where to start, and I’d have to say that seeing how I feel a whole body lighter after pinpointing such a character defining moment, journeying into my past was a blessing in disguise. It really does feel like I got rid of this dead body I didn’t know was weighing me down, much less give it a proper burial. So, I definitely recommend walking backwards through your own history as a good beginning. Another thing that may jumpstart a new curse-free aura is to become “light in the eyes,” so to speak. Not focusing so hard on all you think you have to be and do for everyone around you could just do the trick. Throughout your day allow for a 10 second space between yourself and the running to-do-lists in your mind. Literally take a moment to remember a joke and be a goof, and a light-hearted, less intense responsible aura will start to emerge; not to mention maybe a few drinks from across the bar to match.

Silence Is Louder Than Words.

By Tiffany Walker

With all the noise and chatter in this world, there are times when a silence can be louder than any cacophony happening around you. There is good and bad to silences, as there is to anything in this life. When you come upon a good silence, there is nothing else like it. That silence that allows a moment to truly exist as it sinks into all your senses, and the action of talking would make you miss something. Whether it be the silence that lets you know you are being listened to and cared for, or that feeling of love you see in someone’s eyes when they look at you and nothing has to be said. Conversely, the bad silences can unexpectedly stab you in the back and leave you for dead. There is the silence that comes from someone you care about after you have been honest and forthcoming about a matter. The silence they choose to “speak” rather than give their thoughts in return. Or what about the lover that turns to silence when moments arise where they could let you know how they feel about you, how they appreciate you, or how they support the person you are, whether it is in words, or in a note, or text, or email. I’m not speaking of the act of one blowing smoke up one’s ass, or a lover having to constantly validate their partner for psychological damage control purposes. I am referring to the simple act of verbalizing and letting a person, a lover, or family member know how they are regarded and appreciated. Whether it is a quick statement of affection after a good conversation, or a random comment of appreciation in passing after doing something nice for the other.

So many types of silences--so many things said. You can be left speechless yourself by trying to figure out what the various silences really mean, and of course one must keep in mind that sometimes there is no meaning to a silence. It could just be you that is sensitive for whatever reason. But it is the pattern of silences by your significant other, where things can become tricky and you must decide if this friendship, or lover, is worth you always giving 110% of yourself with no thanks, or being open and loving without reciprocation.

In those cases when a silence really has left you hanging out to dry, ears burning to hear some sort of reply, you may resort to filling in the blanks for the other person. You essentially start Mad Libbing, if you will, the silences and the people who make them in order to make sense out of a given situation. These efforts may be able to alleviate some of your frustration of being left hanging by someone you care about, and maybe it can bring you some sort of understanding of your lover or friend giving you the silent treatment. You may even feel compassion for the person if your Mad Libbing brings you to realize that maybe the parents did a number on the person, where kind words and affection were scarce. Or maybe it was a previous lover (or many) that spun this person to the point of shut down. Maybe it is believed that making no effort of response or giving limited forms of affection is best, because if you give too much you may actually feel something. The only problem with filling in the blanks is that all of these things could‘ve happened, or not. It is all just speculation, you aren’t telepathic (much to many a woman’s chagrin), and you are still in the situation of being left hanging by someone you care about more than they care about you, otherwise they wouldn’t have left you hanging.

It was argued with me once how “Actions speak louder than words.” The person touting this age-old adage was rebutting his own silence, letting me know that words aren’t as important as an action. I concurred that words can be misleading and I have been duped many times by empty, meaningless words, and actions are indeed important and a big telltale sign of one’s intent. But what I contend is how the action of not speaking and giving of oneself through verbal connection, is in itself an action. One can be glib and proud all they want of their silence, but bigger damage can be done when the bonds of friendship or a loving relationship aren’t supported with kind words, or reciprocated efforts of sharing each other’s thoughts and feelings. When it is all said and done, or rather, not said, you get what you give. The giver can’t give for the both of you forever, and will eventually give up. And the silent one will protect himself right out of a companion. Again, you get what you give.

ARE YOU GUILTY OR GUILT TRIPPED?

By Tiffany Walker

I’ve run into interesting conversations with people where they claim they were horribly guilt tripped from an acquaintance, but the funny thing is that after they explained the situation it was clear to me they weren’t getting guilt tripped at all, but rather called out on something they were actually guilty of doing and too overwhelmed in their lives to admit it. So it got me to thinking that no one knows the difference between being guilt tripped and being actually guilty; in turn relationships are actually damaged because people are in denial of actions they’ve done that have hurt someone, or a project, or whatever it may be.

I personally had a situation with a girlfriend where I was accused of guilt tripping her after a message I’d left. On the message I inquired how she was, wished her boyfriend a happy birthday, and then said I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t heard from them (they hadn’t returned a call from a previous message I had left a month earlier,) but I hoped they were okay. I wasn’t bitchy on the message, just wondering what happened. All of a sudden I’m a guilt tripper who is inconsiderate of their busy lives. I immediately apologized for something that was interpreted on her end, though I wasn’t quite sure what I said that computed into a guilt trip. And although she said she had never gotten the message I was referring to, she showed no concern that I didn’t know that end of it when I left the supposed guilt trip message. The fact of the matter was that they hadn’t returned my phone call in over a month, and what was I supposed to think? After all was said and done, her accusation hurt. It was as if she used the guilt trip term falsely to displace the facts, and reverse the heat of the matter onto the person that was genuinely concerned about what happened, making me question the friendship.

So what’s the difference between guilt and a guilt trip??! Guilt, per the American Heritage Dictionary, is: 1. The fact of being responsible for an offense. The word stems from the old English word, “gylt,” meaning crime. Very interesting that it says, “the fact,” and that the word itself, means crime. This means that one should only being feeling guilt if they truly DID do something wrong. As for the true guilt trip, often a frequent activity for some mothers and religious institutions (ie: Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt,) it is a combination of one trying to impose a set of rules, obligations and fears upon you (sometimes their own personal needs,) that are put in such a way to make you think these fears/obligations are now your responsibility as well. This spawns a feeling of wrong doing, or crime, and thus guilt--a guilt that isn’t yours to bear. THAT is a guilt trip: a manipulative ploy; an imposed reality that doesn’t really exist.

Basically, if you’re irresponsible and/or negligent, and someone calls you on it then that is guilt. If someone is pulling something out of their ass to make you feel lesser than, and push you into a position to do something for them, then they’re taking you on a trip. A word to the wise: guilt tripping should pretty much be impossible if you know where you stand in your personal responsibilities versus what your friends, work relations, or religious institutions want you to be responsible for. And as far as friendships are concerned, as hard as it is to admit to have done something wrong, the repercussions will last a lot longer then just apologizing and making amends the best you can.

Previously Published: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Dress For the Men You Want, Not For the Boys You’ve Been Getting.

By Tiffany Walker

Is it Valentine’s Day and you haven’t a Valentine to meet the day’s criteria? Well, maybe you should re-think your technique at attracting others. Consider the idea of the old saying: “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Well, what if you applied that to men (or whatever sex you’re after,) and dress for the men you want and not for the boys you’ve been getting? Sounds a bit obvious, but have you really ever sat down and thought about why you aren’t with the love of your life, or moreover why you attract what you do? My belief is that if you start dressing the part, the part will come to you.

I stumbled upon this concept one evening when I made plans to go out with some other single girlfriends. I wasn’t sure what bars we were going to hit, but I knew I wanted to feel a certain way when I left the house and that was my focus. The only outfit that called to me was this 50’s skirt, perfect black heels with ribbons, a wife beater, a little black ribbon as a choker and fake diamond earrings. I know, a bit retro and dressy, but when I put it all on I felt sexy and confident, and well, the way I wanted to look. Little did I know the destination that was decided upon was a bit of an Irish dive bar, and my friends were all in jeans. Yes, I had apprehension over not really matching my friends’ wardrobe, and not necessarily looking like the average bar hopping kind of girl, but I kept remembering that my outfit matched who I feel I am deep down when I shut out the society chatter of what is “cool,” and the outfit embodied who I would like to be more often. If I was dressier then everyone else then screw it—I felt perfect for me. With this confidence in mind, I forgot that I was wearing something “wrong,” and just sort of went with it.

The evening had a slow start with me standing in a sea of neo-hippie-grunge Hollywood-ites, but lightning struck when I was approached by someone that didn’t look like anyone else there… and this is what led me to my belief. He actually looked like my other half—appearance wise. And although he was on the young side, he was smart, sophisticated and witty like I like ‘em. The kicker is that it was my skirt that encouraged him to come over and make it the focus of his pick-up line! When I took a moment to reflect--most commonly known as a trip to the bathroom-- I was thinking about how I was actually feeling bad just moments before about how none of the neo-hippie-grunge wannabes wanted to talk to me—how stupid could I be??? I didn’t even want a neo-hippie-grunge boy, I want what I actually ended up attracting…and this is something that doesn’t normally happen. I normally would’ve shown up in the cliché trendy bar clothing, and end up having to weed out boys through meaningless, exhausting chit-chat just to get to the point where we both realize we aren’t a match. This approach of “dressing for the job you want,” so to speak, cuts to the chase. And there you have it. A new way of going out: Dress for that person you actually WANT to talk to.

When I left that evening I definitely took stock of my new findings. It may sound easy, but dressing the part requires multiple layers of thought than just throwing on clothes that make you look hot. The basic idea is that when you dress to go out you must make some decisions about who you are deep down, of course what clothes you feel most comfortable in and really make you feel like “you,” and lastly, you also want to think about what person you envision on your arm when you are this more focused you. This may take time before you get the hang of really exuding who you are and what you really want for yourself through your clothes, and thus attract that, but it will be well worth the time.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Confessions of a Waiter And Other Restaurant Secrets

By Tiffany Walker

For better or for worse, whether you’re at a T.G.I. Fridays or a Spagos you can’t help but be served. And although you go to a particular restaurant for food you can count on, I’m sure you have noticed that you can’t always count on the servers to be as predictable. You can only rest assure that the waiter must be unfortunately dumb, since waiting tables is a blue collar job, and therefore couldn’t be that hard to ring in your order properly and have it come out in a reasonable 20 minutes of cook time, right? I definitely agree that there are servers that aren’t meant to be servers due to the lack of the memory, organization, prioritization, speed, focus, empathy, charm, compassion, damage control, product knowledge, up-sell know how, psychological assessment ability, and huge kiss-ass skills that are required to wait tables. Yes, this is the list of skills that you may not have known go into taking your one order. It is a bit scary to think that the same skills needed to make a million dollar power deal are the same skills required to make someone happy at a restaurant for a quick bite to eat. Among writing this column, I still have to wait tables. I have bartended, cocktailed, and waited on people from Florida, Boston, New York to Los Angeles and I thought that I should confess some things about waiters and restaurants to make people more aware of one of the most difficult jobs one could put oneself through.

Fun Facts About Your Waiter:

•Most waiters are highly intelligent and resourceful, and have college degrees ranging anywhere from political science and biology to acting, some have even owned their own businesses. Waiting tables is something they fell into for the cash and low responsibility where they don’t “take the job home,” allowing more time to focus on personal ventures.

•“Everyone should have to wait tables once in their lives.” Is a common statement among waiters due to knowing that these people wouldn’t be acting up if they knew what it was like to deal with it on the other side of the table.

•Waiters walk 7 to 12 miles per shift depending on the size of the restaurant and the location of the kitchen. Often two shifts are worked in a day.

•Many waiters are indeed cynical and bitter! They are in constant battle for their dreams and the money they need to get them there, and the luck they don’t seem to have otherwise they’d be “there” already.

•Many waiters are foodies with fine-tuned palettes…. they DO make fun of those who order a steak or salmon well done, need ketchup or steak sauce for the expensive steak they just ordered well done, and the white zin that is needed to wash it all down.

•Even if you are a prick, your food is safe. Waiters will not seek vengeance on your food if you are an a-hole; however, they will wish you to burn in hell and/or a nasty accident on your way home. The same goes if a bad tip is left and it is silently resolved with the waiter knowing karma will come back on the paying guest 10 fold.

•Waiters are only able to keep about HALF of the tip you leave. That’s right, your waiter must tip those that are helping them (including busser, bartender, host, expeditor in the kitchen,) which is 45%-50% of the gross tips received. This means that 15% doesn’t quite do the trick anymore, and most waiters will go the distance hoping you appreciate their hard work in 20% form at least. The “Thank You” tip doesn’t pay the rent by any means. Waiters’ sales and tips are now heavily tracked for tax purposes, so every penny of the tip is appreciated, and averagely a waiter makes about $12 to $17/hr. Also know that waiters get taxed off their sales, so if you don't tip at all the waiter is taxed on what you ate regardless. And that is on top of tipping out what wasn't received.

Things Your Server Wish You Comprehended:

•If you are at a restaurant that means you are not at a McDonalds, and quality food takes time to cook (20-30min), then add on coursing of appetizers, dinner, drink service, dessert service, and definitely consider how busy a place is.

•Your server is human, and needs some slack every once in awhile. Waiting tables means juggling in your head food orders and personal needs of each and every guest…constantly pleasing and smiling takes a lot out of you.

•If you can’t find your server they are in the kitchen begging for your food to come out. The kitchen staff isn’t always on the same page as the server, and sometimes the size of a kitchen can limit how fast food will come out, as well as accounting for how incompetent some kitchen staff are…many do not read English and speak little.

•Your server deals with hundreds of different personalities and needs in one shift. Yes, that's right. Your server will have potentially anywhere from 4 to 6 tables at a time with anywhere from 2 to 6, or more people on a table. Each with their needs and personality traits. The server also deals with all their fellow servers and managers/front of the house staff around them and their personalities and needs. The servers must then deal with the Kitchen/back of house staff and their personalities and needs and getting out of the kitchen all the needs needed. AND the server must adhere to what the restaurant sales requirements are to get through a shift. So think twice before verbally beating up on a server.

•If something is wrong with your food…SEND IT BACK when the waiter checks in! Being a pissy, hungry, martyr who was too afraid to say something until the very end of the meal doesn’t do anyone justice since waiters actually do care that you’re happy with what you’ve chosen to eat.

•Your server is always pushed by management to increase sales . There are sales techniques that each restaurant requires a server to do, whether it is name dropping of a brand or inquiring about bottled water, wine, coffee, dessert. Bare with the server…they would rather not say any of it at all.

•If you are not ready to order then don’t say that you are. You then affect everyone else around you including your own food coming out in a timely fashion. Ready to order means you have made decisions. It does not mean further discussing with your party and intense reading of the menu.

•If you are high-maintenance, verbally abusive, touchy feely, or patronizing- tip for it! This means at least a 20%, if not a 25% tip, or greater.

•Never pull the “Do you know who I am?” card….you’ll get less service then you’ll ever know.

·Cell phone services at the table, means no waiter services. Yes, if you are on the cell phone we will walk away even as you are trying to order tap water to wet that busy running mouth of yours. There are some waiters that will actually do the opposite and will get right up in your face to indeed get a drink order…just to make you aware.

Previously Published: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE